A Dilemma of Modern Times

Today I am going to say something about a very specific trend I have been observing amongst a lot of my female friends, something that requires attention, something I may or may not be able to do justice to in this post, yet feel both obliged to and interested in expressing.

In modern India, especially in India of the 21st century thus far, though debilitating gender prejudices against women remain, admittedly, there is a growing willingness among educated middle-class parents, especially in the metropolis and Tier-2 cities, to fund their daughter's education after she graduates, and "allow" her to study further without as much as a protest. Now, "allowing" someone to practise their own rights is in no way a sign of emancipation, but it is a start anyway.

Now the present situation in these households affords considerable liberty to the girl at least till she turns about 23-24. Certainly, I know several households where the girls are still controlled, threatened, their freedoms severely curtailed and their choices stamped on. But this is thankfully declining in pure percentage terms.

Please note here that I am referring to a very particular aspect of gender rights, that of "having no opposition" to higher education for women, and not to the generic idea of gender equality. Indeed, many, many prejudices against women still remain even in the most educated of Indian households, and even though a lot of the family keeps denying this, they keep cropping up through dress restrictions, behavioural sermons and so on.

Coming back to girls being "permitted" to seek higher education. I have made a very discerning observation in this regard, I think. But before that, let me concede that there is considerable pressure on me to become well-qualified and financially strong. Perhaps it is society's dictum that men financially run the household once they cross 25, and this expectation remains in today's world. To that extent, men's freedom gets curtailed by social restrictions. We have considerable freedom to make career choices, even marriage choices, but we are not expected to be unambitious and safety-seeking. It is also a matter of truth that biologically, naturally, men are the slightly more ambitious species, though this definition may not apply to all men and negatively (i.e. a lack of ambition), to all women. There are many ambitious women, but many more ambitious men, and this difference helps the society cultivate legendary stereotypes.

What is implies though, is, that in the "liberal" households that I spoke of, as far as making career choices/ seeking home comforts goes, girls have more choice than boys do, at least for a certain length of time. Now many a woman has two instincts: the ambitious and the homely. I have seen some very good friends struggle to fight this material dilemma. Just last night I was advising/ talking to/ consoling/ explaining to a female friend who'd lost out on a few interviews and felt frustrated. Like me, other boys/men face little dilemma as they graduate, owing to a combination of the social expectation of career success and a slightly more ambitious bent of mind. We know what exactly we have to do. Many of our female friends, it seems, don't.

What does a girl do faced with such an issue as this? She knows that if she were to stay home and not run after a good career, few would object. But she dreams too- of success, of achievement, of recognition and fame. And besides, if she were to follow this conservative path, in a few years' time, she'd start facing tremendous pressure from her family to get married. This would leave her in a very disadvantageous position- being financially dependent and blackmailed into a marriage she, in the majority of cases, would not want to make. Of course, there are parents who "believe" in a daughter's right to marry the person she wishes to, and yet the family pressure does come in when they believe she's getting "too old".

On the other hand, if she were to seek a successful career, she'd most certainly have to abandon her comfortable family life. She could do that; however the struggles and prejudices associated with a quest to achieve are very high, especially for women, in a crude male world. And the familial pressure does come in nonetheless; even today one of the first questions people ask when they see a 30 year old executive woman is, "is she married?" She also knows her reproductive age is running out, especially if she is the type who loves children.

In this double edged scenario, there is often the danger of the woman sitting on the fence, being neither here nor there, neither achieving anything, nor being comfortable about it. It brings about a very understandable frustration, because the woman knows she has been whiling away time and is yet not sure of what to do. Some finally discover a path, some drift into marriage with a faceless stranger, some others drift into a purposeless and wasted life- the worst cases.

Sometimes these girls/ women turn to their friends for help. The parents can definitely help; but fortunately or unfortunately, a lot (though not all) of our generation regards parental interference as an impediment, and fears that once you let them into your personal lives, they would attempt to control all of it. This belief may or may not be a misguided one.

One of my good female friends was subjected to hours of personal counselling sessions by me, though I by no means can call myself successful or knowledgeable. At the end of these discussions she remained as confused as ever. Later she even asked me to tell her what to do. I was quite miffed about that prospect; I refuse to ever decide anything for a woman in a personal capacity. It contradicts my life principles of being pro-choice.

Added to this is the problem that parents often fail to see the world with fresh eyes and discourage offbeat careers, or unusual choices. They also feel their daughters would be better off living closer to home and try getting them into nearby educational institutions which may be far inferior to those which these girls are worthy of getting into. This is very sad. Even sadder is the widespread belief that "giving" freedom to a woman is a "noble" act and demands extreme gratitude on her part. Consequently parents try to set moral and material limits to their daughters' freedoms, without using the same yardstick for their sons.

Last but not the least, fortunately, India is not the home of firebrand "feminists" who actually defeat the very purpose of women's freedom by playing up pressure on them to jump headlong into the competitive world. Isn't "freedom" all about choosing your way of life? Then why the pressure to conform?

In this scenario, I believe it is essential for women to take a long, hard look at their lives post-graduation, and firmly decide what they would want to do hence. In my humble opinion I would suggest some sort of financial independence to be a necessity in order to avoid having to succumb to outmoded familial beliefs and traditions. Women must take advantage of this double freedom they attain during these few years of their lives to pursue their dreams, realize their ambitions and generally live a happy and productive life, whether it is that of the CEO of an MNC , a small-time painter or architect or simply a nature-lover. First and foremost, they must be firm, determined and confident. Only then can they succeed in their endeavours and successfully fight and defeat the monsters of social backwardness and prejudice.